Grace Abounding in the chief of sinners-Bunyan

GRACE ABOUNDING TO THE CHIEF OF SINNERS:
 
A BRIEF AND FAITHFUL RELATION OF THE EXCEEDING MERCY OF GOD IN
CHRIST TO HIS POOR SERVANT, JOHN BUNYAN;
 
WHEREIN IS PARTICULARLY SHOWED THE MANNER OF HIS CONVERSION,
HIS SIGHT AND TROUBLE FOR SIN, HIS DREADFUL TEMPTATIONS, ALSO
HOW HE DESPAIRED OF GOD’S MERCY, AND HOW THE LORD AT LENGTH
THROUGH CHRIST DID DELIVER HIM FROM ALL THE GUILT AND TERROR
THAT LAY UPON HIM.
 
Whereunto is added a brief relation of his call to the work of the ministry, of his
temptations therein, as also what he hath met with in prison. All which was written by his
own hand there, and now published for the support of the weak and tempted people of
God.
 
"Come and hear, all ye that fear God, and I will declare what he hath done for my
soul."—Psalm 66:16.
 
London: Printed by George Larkin, 1666.
 
This title page was afterwards altered, and instead of what follows the first line, he
inserted,
 
Or a brief and faithful relation of the exceeding mercy of God in Christ to his poor
servant, John Bunyan; namely, in his taking of him out of the dunghill, and converting of
him to the faith of his blessed Son, Jesus Christ. Here is also particularly showed, what
sight of, and what trouble he had for sin; and also what various temptations he hath met
with, and how God hath carried him through them.
 
Corrected and much enlarged now by the Author, for the benefit of the tempted and
dejected Christian.
 
 
ADVERTISEMENT BY THE EDITOR.
 
The great utility of remarkable accounts of the ways of God in bringing his sheep into the
fold, must be admitted by all. The Bible abounds with these manifestations of Divine
grace from the gentle voice that called Samuel, even unto the thunder which penetrated
the soul of one, who followed the church with continued malignity, calling unto him,
"Saul, Saul, why persecutest thou me?"—a voice so terrible, and accompanied by such a
flood of light, as to strike the persecutor to the earth, and for a season to deprive him of
sight.
 
The ‘Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners’ is doubly interesting, as it unfolds to us
not only the return of a notorious prodigal, but a wondrous system of education, by which
a chosen man was fitted for a wondrous work; heavenly and spiritual learning, which
could not have been obtained in all the schools and universities in the world. It enabled a
poor, vile, unlettered rebel—a blasphemous travelling tinker, to become a most eminent
preacher; one whose native powers, sanctified by harrowing but hallowing feelings,
attracted the deep attention of the most learned and pious of his contemporaries, while it
carried conviction to the most impious and profane. Even beyond all this, his spiritual
acquirements fitted him, without scholastic learning, to become the most popular, the
most attractive, the most useful of English authors. His works increase remarkably in
popularity. As time rolls on, they are still read with deeper and deeper interest, while his
bodily presence and labours mingle in the records of the events of bygone ages.
 
Bunyan’s account of his singular trials and temptations may have excited alarm in the
minds of some young Christians lest they should be in an unconverted state, because they
have not been called to pass through a similar mode of training. Pray recollect, my dear
young Christian, that all are not called to such important public labours as Bunyan, or
Whitfield, or Wesley. All the members of the Christian family are trained to fit them for
their respective positions in the church of Christ. It is a pleasant and profitable exercise to
look back to the day of our espousals, and trace the operations of Divine grace in digging
us from the hole of the pit; but the important question with us all should be, not so much
HOW we became enlightened, but NOW do we love Christ? Now do we regret our want
of greater conformity to his image? If we can honestly answer these questions in the
affirmative, we are believers, and can claim our part in that precious promise,
"Whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die." Spiritual life is ours, and eternal
life is essentially connected with it, and must be our portion, without an inquiry into the
means by which we were called, whether by the thunders and lighting of Sinai, as Paul
was smitten, or by the "still small voice" (Acts 9:3,4; 1 Kings 19:12; Job 4:16,17).
 
The value of such a narrative to a terror-stricken prodigal is vividly shown by Bunyan, in
his ‘Jerusalem Sinner Saved,’ in one of those colloquial pieces of composition in which he
eminently shone. ‘Satan is loath to part with a great sinner. "What, my true servant,"
quoth he, "my old servant, wilt thou forsake me now? Having so often sold thyself to me
to work wickedness, wilt thou forsake me now? Thou horrible wretch, dost not know,
that thou hast sinned thyself beyond the reach of grace, and dost think to find mercy
now? Art not thou a murderer, a thief, a harlot, a witch, a sinner of the greatest size, and
dost thou look for mercy now? Dost thou think that Christ will foul his fingers with thee?
It is enough to make angels blush, saith Satan, to see so vile a one knock at heaven-gates
for mercy, and wilt thou be so abominably bold to do it?" Thus Satan dealt with me, says
the great sinner, when at first I came to Jesus Christ. And what did you reply? Saith the
tempted. Why, I granted the whole charge to be true, says the other. And what, did you
despair, or how? No, saith he, I said, I am Magdalene, I am Zacheus, I am the thief, I am
the harlot, I am the publican, I am the prodigal, and one of Christ’s murderers; yea, worse
than any of these; and yet God was so far off from rejecting of me, as I found afterwards,
that there was music and dancing in his house for me, and for joy that I was come home
unto him. O blessed be God for grace, says the other, for then I hope there is favour for
me.’
 

The ‘Grace Abounding’ is a part of Bunyan’s prison meditations, and strongly reminds us
of the conversation between Christian and Hopeful on the enchanted ground.
 
‘Christian. Now then, to prevent drowsiness in this place, let us fall into good discourse.
 
‘Hopeful. With all my heart.
 
‘Christian. Where shall we begin?
 
‘Hopeful. Where God began with us.’
 
To prevent drowsiness, to beguile the time, he looks back to his past experience, and the
prison became his Patmos—the gate of heaven—a Bethel, in which his time was
occupied in writing for the benefit of his fellow-Christians. He looks back upon all the
wondrous way through which the Lord had led him from the City of Destruction to
Mount Zion. While writing his own spiritual pilgrimage, his great work broke upon his
imagination.
 
‘And thus it was: I writing of the way,
And race of saints, in this our gospel day,
Fell suddenly into an allegory
About their journey, and the way to glory.’
 
‘As you read the "Grace Abounding," you are ready to say at every step, here is the future
author of the "Pilgrim’s Progress." It is as if you stood beside some great sculptor, and
watched every movement of his chisel, having seen his design; so that at every blow
some new trait of beauty in the future statue comes clearly into view.’[1]
 
A great difference of opinion has been expressed by learned men as to whether Bunyan’s
account of himself is to be understood literally, as it respects his bad conduct before his
conversion, or whether he views himself through a glass, by which his evil habits are
magnified. No one can doubt his perfect honesty. He plainly narrates his bad, as well as
his redeeming qualities; nor does his narrative appear to be exaggerated. He was the son
of a travelling tinker, probably a gipsy, ‘the meanest and most despised rank in the land’;
when, alarmed at his sins, recollection that the Israelites were once the chosen people of
God, he asked his father, whether he was of that race; as if he thought that his family
were of some peculiar people, and it was easy for such a lad to blend the Egyptians with
the Israelitish race. When he was defamed, his slanderers called him a witch, or fortune
teller, a Jesuit, a highwayman, or the like. Brought up to his father’s trade, with his evil
habits unchecked, he became a very depraved lad; and when he states his sad character, it
is with a solemn pledge that his account is strictly true. Probably, with a view to the full
gratification of his sinful propensities, he entered the army, and served among the
profligate soldiers of Charles I at the siege of Leicester.[2]
 
During this time, he was ill at ease; he felt convinced of sin, or righteousness, and of
judgment, without a hope of mercy. Hence his misery and internal conflicts, perhaps the
most remarkable of any upon record. His own Giant Despair seized him with an iron
grasp. He felt himself surrounded by invisible beings, and in the immediate presence of a
holy God. By day, he was bewildered with tormenting visions, and by night alarming
dreams presented themselves to him upon his bed. The fictitious appeared to his terrified
imagination realities. His excited spirit became familiar with shapeless forms and fearful
powers. The sorrows of death, and the pains of hell, got hold upon him. His internal
conflict was truly horrible, as one who thought himself under the power of demons; they
whispered in his ears—pulled his clothes; he madly fought, striking at imaginary shades
with his hands, and stamping with his feet at the destroyer. Thoughts of the unpardonable
sin beset him, his powerful bodily frame became convulsed with agony, as if his breast
bone would split, and he burst asunder like Judas. He possessed a most prolific mind,
affording constant nourishment to this excited state of his feelings. He thought that he
should be bereft of his wits; than a voice rushed in at the window like the noise of wind,
very pleasant, and produced a great calm in his soul. His intervals of ease, however, were
short; the recollection of his sins, and a fear that he had sold his Saviour, haunted his
affrighted spirit. His soul became so tormented, as to suggest to his ideas the suffering of
a malefactor broken upon the wheel. The climax of these terrors is narrated at paragraph
No. 187. ‘Thus was I always sinking, whatever I did think or do. So one day I walked to a
neighbouring town, and sat down upon a settle in the street, and fell into a very deep
pause about the most fearful state my sin had brought me to; and, after long musing, I
lifted up my head, but methought I saw as if the sun that shineth in the heavens did
grudge to give light; and as if the very stones in the street, and tiles upon the houses, did
bend themselves against me; methought that they all combined together, to banish me out
of the world; I was abhorred of them, and unfit to dwell among them, or be a partaker of
their benefits, because I had sinned against the Saviour.’ In this deep abyss of misery,
THAT love which has heights and depths passing knowledge, laid under him the
everlasting arms, and raised him from the horrible pit in miry clay, when no human
powers could have reached his case. Dr. Cheever eloquently remarks, that ‘it was through
this valley of the shadow of death, overhung by darkness, peopled with devils,
resounding with blasphemy and lamentations; and passing amidst quagmires and pitfalls,
close by the very mouth of hell, that Bunyan journeyed to that bright and fruitful land of
Beulah, in which he sojourned during the latter days of his pilgrimage.’ The only trace
which his cruel sufferings and temptations seen to have left behind them, was an
affectionate compassion for those who were still in the state in which he had once been.
 
Young Christians, you must not imagine that all these terrors are absolute prerequisites to
faith in the Saviour. God, as a sovereign, calls his children to himself by various ways.
Bunyan’s was a very extraordinary case, partly from his early habits––his excitable mind,
at a period so calculated to fan a spark of such feelings into a flame. His extraordinary
inventive faculties, softened down and hallowed by this fearful experience, became fitted
for most extensive usefulness.
 
To eulogize this narrative, would be like ‘gilding refined gold’; but I cannot help
remarking, among a multitude of deeply interesting passages, his observations upon that
honest open avowal of Christian principles, which brought down severe persecution upon
him. They excite our tenderest sympathy; his being dragged from his home and wife and
children, he says, ‘hath oft been to me, as the pulling my flesh from my bones; my poor
blind child, what sorrow art thou like to have for thy portion in this world! thou must be
beaten, must beg, suffer hunger, cold, nakedness, and a thousand calamities, though I
cannot now endure the wind should blow upon thee. O, I saw I was as a man who was
pulling down his house upon the head of his wife and children; yet, recollecting myself,
thought I, I must venture you all with God.’ How awful must be the state of the wretched
persecutor, who occasions such sufferings to the children of the most high God!
 
In this edition, the greatest care has been taken to preserve the exact words of the author,
as he first published them; where he altered or added to the text in subsequent editions, it
is marked with an inverted comma, or inserted in the notes. Obsolete words and customs
are explained; the numbering of his sections is continued, in addition to which, it is
divided into chapters for family reading, upon the plan of the late Rev. J. Ivimey; double
inverted commas denote quotations of Scripture.
 
The reader is strongly pressed to keep in his recollection the peculiar use made of the
word should, by the author in this narrative. It is from the Saxon scealan, to be obliged.
Thus, in the Saxon gospels (Matt 27:15), "the governor should release unto the people a
prisoner"; in our version it is, "was wont to release," meaning that custom compelled him
so to do. In Bunyan’s phraseology, the word should is used in the same sense, that is, to
show that, under peculiar circumstances, his feelings or position involuntarily produced a
certain result. Thus, in No. 6, Troubled with the thoughts of judgment and condemnation
I should tremble; and in No. 15, The father of his wife having left her two books, in these
I should sometimes read; probably the only books he then had. It is remarkable, that
although the Saxon language had not been spoken in Bedfordshire for many centuries,
still many valuable words remained in use.
 
The order in which this thrilling narrative of Bunyan’s religious feelings and experience is
now for the first time published, is, I. Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners––his call
to the ministry, and his imprisonment for refusing to attend the Church of England
service. II. His Relation of the Circumstances attending his incarceration in Bedford Jail.
III. The continuation of his Life to his decease, written by one of his friends, and always
printed with Grace Abounding. IV. His Dying Thoughts. V. His Prison Meditations––
verses which were probably sold on a broadside or sheet of paper by his children, to
procure necessaries for his family.
 
The length of the notes may need some apology; the only one the editor can make is his
veneration for John Bunyan, and his earnest desire to render this inestimable book more
deeply interesting, by explaining manners, customs, and words not now in use; the note
on No. 232, occupied the time of one whole day.
 
The errors, omissions, and additions, which existed to a most extraordinary extent
through the book, have been corrected, and the text restored to its primitive beauty;
among many hundred of these errors, one may suffice as a specimen; it is in Bunyan’s
preface, ‘God did not play in convincing of me, the devil did not play in tempting of me,’
this is altered in many editions to ‘God did not play in tempting of me.’

 
Most earnestly do I hope that this republication, now for the first time, for nearly two
hundred years, given in its native excellence and purity, may be attended with the Divine
blessing, to the comfort of many despairing Jerusalem sinners; to the building up of the
church of Christ on earth; to the extension of pure, heart-felt, genuine Christianity; and to
the confusion of the persecutors. They intended, by shutting the pious pilgrim up in a
dungeon, to prevent his voice from being heard to the comfort of his poor neighbours,
and by which violence, his persecutors have caused his voice to burst the prison doors
and walls, and to be heard over the whole world. His ‘Pilgrim’s Progress,’ which was
written in prison, has been, and now is, a guide to Christian pilgrims of all nations,
kindreds, tribes, and people, teaching them not to rest content in any national religion, but
personally to search the Scriptures, with earnest supplications to the God of mercy and
truth, that they may be guided to Christ, as the Alpha and Omega of their salvation. 
 
GEORGE OFFOR.
 
 
 
A PREFACE, OR BRIEF ACCOUNT OF THE PUBLISHING OF THIS WORK,
WRITTEN BY THE AUTHOR THEREOF, AND DEDICATED TO THOSE WHOM
GOD HATH COUNTED HIM WORTHY TO BEGET TO FAITH, BY HIS MINISTRY
IN THE WORD.
 
Children, grace be with you, Amen. I being taken from you in presence, and so tied up,
that I cannot perform that duty that from God doth lie upon me to youward, for your
further edifying and building up in faith and holiness, &c., yet that you may see my soul
hath fatherly care and desire after your spiritual and everlasting welfare; I now once
again, as before, from the top of Shenir and Hermon, so ‘now’ from the lions’ dens, from
the mountains of the leopards (Song 4:8), do look yet after you all, greatly longing to see
your safe arrival into the desired haven.[3]
 
I thank God upon every remembrance of you; and rejoice, even while I stick between the
teeth of the lions in the wilderness, at the grace, and mercy, and knowledge of Christ our
saviour, which God hath bestowed upon you, with abundance of faith and love. Your
hungerings and thirstings also after further acquaintance with the Father, in his Son; your
tenderness of heart, your trembling at sin, your sober and holy deportment also, before
both God and men, is great refreshment to me; "For ye are my glory and joy" (1 Thess
2:20).
 
I have sent you here enclosed, a drop of that honey, that I have taken out of the carcase of
a lion (Judg 14:5-9). I have eaten thereof myself also, and am much refreshed thereby.
(Temptations, when we meet them at first, are as the lion that roared upon Samson; but if
we overcome them, the next time we see them, we shall find a nest of honey within
them.) The Philistines understand me not. It is ’something of’ a relation of the work of
God upon my own soul, even from the very first, till now; wherein you may perceive my
castings down, and raisings up; for he woundeth, and his hands make whole. It is written
in the Scripture (Isa 38:19), "The father to the children shall make known the truth of
God." Yea, it was for this reason I lay so long at Sinai (Deut 4:10,11), to see the fire, and
the cloud, and the darkness, that I might fear the Lord all the days of my life upon earth,
and tell of his wondrous works to my children (Psa 78:3-5).
 
Moses (Num 33:1,2) writ of the journeyings of the children of Israel, from Egypt to the
land of Canaan; and commanded also, that they did remember their forty years’ travel in
the wilderness. "Thou shalt remember all the way which the Lord thy God led thee these
forty years in the wilderness, to humble thee, and to prove thee, to know what was in
thine heart, whether thou wouldest keep his commandments, or no" (Deut 8:2).
Wherefore this I have endeavoured to do; and not only so, but to publish it also; that, if
God will, others may be put in remembrance of what he hath done for their souls, by
reading his work upon me.
 
It is profitable for Christians to be often calling to mind the very beginnings of grace with
their souls. "It is a night to be much observed unto the Lord for bringing them out from
the land of Egypt: this is that night of the Lord to be observed of all the children of Israel
in their generations" (Exo 12:42). "O my God," saith David (Psa 42:6), "my soul is cast
down within me; therefore will I remember thee from the land of Jordan, and of the
Hermonites, from the hill Mizar." He remembered also the lion and the bear, when he
went to fight with the giant of Gath (1 Sam 17:36,37).
 
It was Paul’s accustomed manner (Acts 22), and that when tried for his life (Acts 24),
even to open, before his judges, the manner of his conversion: he would think of that day,
and that hour, in the which he first did meet with grace;[4] for he found it support unto
him. When God had brought the children of Israel through the Red Sea, far into the
wilderness, yet they must turn quite about thither again, to remember the drowning of
their enemies there (Num 14:25). For though they sang his praise before, yet "they soon
forgat his works" (Psa 106:11-13).
 
In this discourse of mine you may see much; much, I say, of the grace of God towards
me. I thank God I can count it much, for it was above my sins and Satan’s temptations
too. I can remember my fears, and doubts, and sad months with comfort; they are as the
head of Goliah in my hand. There was nothing to David like Goliah’s sword, even that
sword that should have been sheathed in his bowels; for the very sight and remembrance
of that did preach forth God’s deliverance to him. Oh, the remembrance of my great sins,
of my great temptations, and of my great fears of perishing for ever! They bring afresh
into my mind the remembrance of my great help, my great support from heaven, and that
the great grace that God extended to such a wretch as I.
 
My dear children, call to mind the former days, "and the years of ancient times:
remember also your songs in the night; and commune with your own heart" (Psa 73:5-
12). Yea, look diligently, and leave no corner therein unsearched, for there is treasure hid,
even the treasure of your first and second experience of the grace of God toward you.
Remember, I say, the word that first laid hold upon you; remember your terrors of
conscience, and fear of death and hell; remember also your tears and prayers to God; yea,
how you sighed under every hedge for mercy. Have you never a hill Mizar to remember?
Have you forgot the close, the milk house, the stable, the barn, and the like, where God
did visit your soul?[5] Remember also the Word––the Word, I say, upon which the Lord
hath caused you to hope. If you have sinned against light; if you are tempted to
blaspheme; if you are down in despair; if you think God fights against you; or if heaven
is hid from your eyes, remember it was thus with your father, but out of them all the Lord
delivered me.
 
I could have enlarged much in this my discourse, of my temptations and troubles for sin;
as also of the merciful kindness and working of God with my soul. I could also have
stepped into a style much higher than this in which I have here discoursed, and could
have adorned all things more than here I have seemed to do, but I dare not. God did not
play in convincing of me, the devil did not play in tempting of me, neither did I play
when I sunk as into a bottomless pit, when the pangs of hell caught hold upon me;
wherefore I may not play in my relating of them, but be plain and simple, and lay down
the thing as it was. He that liketh it, let him receive it; and he that does not, let him
produce a better. Farewell.
 
My dear children, the milk and honey is beyond this wilderness. God be merciful to you,
and grant ‘that’ you be not slothful to go in to possess the land.
 
JOHN BUNYAN.
 
 
 
GRACE ABOUNDING TO THE CHIEF OF SINNERS;
OR, A BRIEF RELATION OF THE EXCEEDING MERCY OF GOD IN CHRIST, TO
HIS POOR SERVANT, JOHN BUNYAN.
 
[BUNYAN'S ACCOUNT OF HIMSELF PREVIOUS TO HIS CONVERSION.]
 
1. In this my relation of the merciful working of God upon my soul, it will not be amiss,
if, in the first place, I do, in a few words, give you a hint of my pedigree, and manner of
bringing up; that thereby the goodness and bounty of God towards me, may be the more
advanced and magnified before the sons of men.
 
2. For my descent then, it was, as is well known by many, of a low and inconsiderable
generation; my father’s house being of that rank that is meanest and most despised of all
the families in the land.[6] Wherefore I have not here, as others, to boast of noble blood,
or of a high-born state, according to the flesh; though, all things considered, I magnify the
heavenly Majesty, for that by this door he brought me into this world, to partake of the
grace and life that is in Christ by the gospel.
 
3. But yet, notwithstanding the meanness and inconsiderableness of my parents, it
pleased God to put it into their hearts to put me to school, to learn both to read and write;
the which I also attained, according to the rate of other poor men’s children;[7] though, to
my shame I confess, I did soon lose that little I learned, and that even almost utterly, and
that long before the Lord did work his gracious work of conversion upon my soul.
 
4. As for my own natural life, for the time that I was without God in the world, it was
indeed according to the course of this world, and "the spirit that now worketh in the
children of disobedience" (Eph 2:2,3). It was my delight to be "taken captive by the devil
at his will" (2 Tim 2:26). Being filled with all unrighteousness: the which did also so
strongly work and put forth itself, both in my heart and life, and that from a child, that I
had but few equals, especially considering my years, which were tender, being few, both
for cursing, swearing, lying, and blaspheming the holy name of God.
 
5. Yea, so settled and rooted was I in these things, that they became as a second nature to
me; the which, as I also have with soberness considered since, did so offend the Lord,
that even in my childhood he did scare and affright me with fearful dreams, and did
terrify me with dreadful visions; for often, after I had spent this and the other day in sin, I
have in my bed been greatly afflicted, while asleep, with the apprehensions of devils and
wicked spirits, who still, as I then thought, laboured to draw me away with them, of
which I could never be rid.
 
6. Also I should, at these years, be greatly afflicted and troubled with the thoughts of the
day of judgment, and that both night and day, and should tremble at the thoughts of the
fearful torments of hell fire; still fearing that it would be my lot to be found at last
amongst those devils and hellish fiends, who are there bound down with the chains and
bonds of eternal darkness, "unto the judgment of the great day."
 
7. These things, I say, when I was but a child, ‘but nine or ten years old,’ did so distress
my soul, that when in the midst of my many sports and childish vanities, amidst my vain
companions, I was often much cast down and afflicted in my mind therewith, yet could I
not let go my sins. Yea, I was ‘also then’ so overcome with despair of life and heaven, that
I should often wish either that there had been no hell, or that I had been a devil––
supposing they were only tormentors; that if it must needs be that I went thither, I might
be rather a tormentor, than ‘be’ tormented myself.
 
8. A while after, these terrible dreams did leave me, which also I soon forgot; for my
pleasures did quickly cut off the remembrance of them, as if they had never been:
wherefore, with more greediness, according to the strength of nature, I did still let loose
the reins to my lusts, and delighted in all transgression against the law of God: so that,
until I came to the state of marriage, I was the very ringleader of all the youth that kept
me company, into all manner of vice and ungodliness.[8]
 
9. Yea, such prevalency had the lusts and fruits of the flesh in this poor soul of mine, that
had not a miracle of precious grace prevented, I had not only perished by the stroke of
eternal justice, but had also laid myself open, even to the stroke of those laws, which
bring some to disgrace and open shame before the face of the world.
 
10. In these days, the thoughts of religion were very grievous to me; I could neither
endure it myself, nor that any other should; so that, when I have seen some read in those
books that concerned Christian piety, it would be as it were a prison to me. Then I said
unto God, "Depart from me, for I desire not the knowledge of thy ways" (Job 21:14). I
was now void of all good consideration, heaven and hell were both out of sight and mind;
and as for saving and damning, they were least in my thoughts.[9] O Lord, thou knowest
my life, and my ways were not hid from thee.
 
11. Yet this I well remember, that though I could myself sin with the greatest delight and
ease, and also take pleasure in the vileness of my companions; yet, even then, if I have at
any time seen wicked things, by those who professed goodness, it would make my spirit
tremble. As once, above all the rest, when I was in my height of vanity, yet hearing one to
swear that was reckoned for a religious man, it had so great a stroke upon my spirit, that
it made my heart to ache.
 
12. ‘But God did not utterly leave me, but followed me still, not now with convictions,
but judgments; yet such as were mixed with mercy. For once I fell into a creek of the sea,
and hardly escaped drowning. Another time I fell out of a boat into Bedford river, but
mercy yet preserved me alive. Besides, another time, being in the field with one of my
companions, it chanced that an adder passed over the highway; so I, having a stick in my
hand, struck her over the back; and having stunned her, I forced open her mouth with my
stick, and plucked her sting out with my fingers; by which act, had not God been merciful
unto me, I might, by my desperateness, have brought myself to mine end.’
 
13. ‘This also have I taken notice of with thanksgiving; when I was a soldier, I, with
others, were drawn out to go to such a place to besiege it; but when I was just ready to go,
one of the company desired to go in my room; to which, when I had consented, he took
my place; and coming to the siege, as he stood sentinel, he was shot into the head with a
musket bullet, and died.’[10]
 
14. ‘Here, as I said, were judgments and mercy, but neither of them did awaken my soul
to righteousness; wherefore I sinned still, and grew more and more rebellious against
God, and careless of mine own salvation.’
 
15. Presently after this, I changed my condition into a married state, and my mercy was to
light upon a wife whose father was counted godly.[11] This woman and I, though we
came together as poor as poor might be, not having so much household stuff as a dish or
spoon betwixt us both, yet this she had for her part, The Plain Man’s Pathway to Heaven,
and The Practice of Piety, which her father had left her when he died. In these two books
I should sometimes read with her, wherein I also found some things that were somewhat
pleasing to me; but all this while I met with no conviction. She also would be often
telling of me, what a godly man her father was, and how he would reprove and correct
vice, both in his house, and amongst his neighbours; what a strict and holy life he lived in
his day, both in word and deed.
 
16. Wherefore these books with this relation, though they did not reach my heart, to
awaken it about my sad and sinful state, yet they did beget within me some desires to
religion: so that, because I knew no better, I fell in very eagerly with the religion of the
times; to wit, to go to church twice a day, and that too with the foremost; and there should
very devoutly, both say and sing as others did, yet retaining my wicked life; but withal, I
was so overrun with a spirit of superstition, that I adored, and that with great devotion,
even all things, both the high place, priest, clerk, vestment, service, and what else
belonging to the church; counting all things holy that were therein contained, and
especially the priest and clerk most happy, and without doubt, greatly blessed, because
they were the servants, as I then thought, of God, and were principal in the holy temple,
to do his work therein.
 
17. This conceit grew so strong in little time upon my spirit, that had I but seen a priest,
though never so sordid and debauched in his life, I should find my spirit fall under him,
reverence him, and knit unto him; yea, I thought for the love I did bear unto them,
supposing they were the ministers of God, I could have lain down at their feet, and have
been trampled upon by them; their name, their garb, and work, did so intoxicate and
bewitch me.
 
18. After I had been thus for some considerable time, another thought came into my
mind; and that was, whether we were of the Israelites, or no? For finding in the
Scriptures that they were once the peculiar people of God, thought I, if I were one of this
race, my soul must needs be happy.[12] Now again, I found within me a great longing to
be resolved about this question, but could not tell how I should. At last I asked my father
of it; who told me—No, we were not. Wherefore then I fell in my spirit as to the hopes of
that, and so remained.
 
19. But all this while, I was not sensible of the danger and evil of sin; I was kept from
considering that sin would damn me, what religion soever I followed, unless I was found
in Christ. Nay, I never thought of him, nor whether there was one, or no. Thus man, while
blind, doth wander, but wearieth himself with vanity, for he knoweth not the way to the
city of God (Eccl 10:15).
 
20. But one day, amongst all the sermons our parson made, his subject was, to treat of the
Sabbath-day, and of the evil of breaking that, either with labour, sports, or otherwise.
Now I was, notwithstanding my religion, one that took much delight in all manner of
vice, and especially that was the day that I did solace myself therewith,[13] wherefore I
fell in my conscience under his sermon, thinking and believing that he made that sermon
on purpose to show me my evil doing; and at that time I felt what guilt was, though never
before, that I can remember; but then I was, for the present, greatly loaden therewith, and
so went home when the sermon was ended, with a great burden upon my spirit.
 
21. This, for that instant, did ‘benumb’[14] the sinews of my ‘best’ delights, and did
imbitter my former pleasures to me; but behold, it lasted not, for before I had well dined,
the trouble began to go off my mind, and my heart returned to its old course: but oh! How
glad was I, that this trouble was gone from me, and that the fire was put out, ‘that I might
sin again without control!’ Wherefore, when I had satisfied nature with my food, I shook
the sermon out of my mind, and to my old custom of sports and gaming I returned with
great delight.
 
22. But the same day, as I was in the midst of a game at cat,[15] and having struck it one
blow from the hole, just as I was about to strike it the second time, a voice did suddenly
dart from heaven into my soul, which said, Wilt thou leave thy sins and go to heaven, or
have thy sins and go to hell? At this I was put to an exceeding maze; wherefore, leaving
my cat upon the ground, I looked up to heaven, and was, as if I had, with the eyes of my
understanding, seen the Lord Jesus looking down upon me, as being very hotly
displeased with me, and as if he did severely threaten me with some grievous punishment
for these and other my ungodly practices.
 
23. I had no sooner thus conceived in my mind, but suddenly this conclusion was
fastened on my spirit, for the former hint did set my sins again before my face, that I had
been a great and grievous sinner, and that it was now too too late for me to look after
heaven; for Christ would not forgive me, nor pardon my transgressions. Then I fell to
musing upon this also; and while I was thinking on it, and fearing lest it should be so, I
felt my heart sink in despair, concluding it was too late; and therefore I resolved in my
mind I would go on in sin: for, thought I, if the case be thus, my state is surely miserable;
miserable if I leave my sins, and but miserable if I follow them; I can but be damned, and
if I must be so, I had as good be damned for many sins, as to be damned for few.
 
24. Thus I stood in the midst of my play, before all that then were present; but yet I told
them nothing: but I say, I having made this conclusion, I returned ‘desperately’ to my
sport again; and I well remember, that presently this kind of despair did so possess my
soul, that I was persuaded, I could never attain to other comfort than what I should get in
sin; for heaven was gone already, so that on that I must not think; wherefore I found
within me a great desire to take my fill of sin, still studying what sin was yet to be
committed, that I might taste the sweetness of it; and I made as much haste as I could to
fill my belly with its delicates, lest I should die before I had my desire; for that I feared
greatly. In these things, I protest before God, I lie not, neither do I feign this sort of
speech; these were really, strongly, and with all my heart, my desires; the good Lord,
whose mercy is unsearchable, forgive me my transgressions.
 
25. And I am very confident, that this temptation of the devil is more usual amongst poor
creatures than many are aware of, even to overrun their spirits with a scurvy and seared
frame of heart, and benumbing of conscience; which frame, he stilly and slyly supplieth
with such despair, that though not much guilt attendeth the soul, yet they continually have
a secret conclusion within them, that there is no hopes for them; for they have loved sins,
"therefore after them they will go" (Jer 2:25, 18:12).
 
26. Now therefore I went on in sin with great greediness of mind, still grudging that I
could not be so satisfied with it as I would. This did continue with me about a month, or
more; but one day, as I was standing at a neighbour’s shop-window, and there cursing and
swearing, and playing the madman, after my wonted manner, there sat within, the woman
of the house, and heard me, who, though she was a very loose and ungodly wretch, yet
protested that I swore and cursed at that most fearful rate, that she was made to tremble to
hear me; and told me further, That I was the ungodliest fellow for swearing that ever she
heard in all her life; and that I, by thus doing, was able to spoil all the youth in a whole
town, if they came but in my company.
 
27. At this reproof I was silenced, and put to secret shame, and that too, as I thought,
before the God of heaven; wherefore, while I stood there, and hanging down my head, I
wished with all my heart that I might be a little child again, that my father might learn me
to speak without this wicked way of swearing;[16] for, thought I, I am so accustomed to
it, that it is in vain for me to think of a reformation, for I thought it could never be.
 
28. But how it came to pass, I know not; I did from this time forward so leave my
swearing, that it was a great wonder to myself to observe it; and whereas before, I knew
not how to speak unless I put an oath before, and another behind, to make my words have
authority; now, I could, ‘without it,’ speak better, and with more pleasantness, than ever I
could before. All this while I knew not Jesus Christ, neither did I leave my sports and
plays.
 
29. But quickly after this, I fell in company with one poor man that made profession of
religion; who, as I then thought, did talk pleasantly of the Scriptures, and of the matters
of religion; wherefore, falling into some love and liking to what he said, I betook me to
my Bible, and began to take great pleasure in reading, but especially with the historical
part thereof; for, as for Paul’s epistles, and Scriptures of that nature, I could not away with
them, being as yet but ignorant, either of the corruptions of my nature, or of the want and
worth of Jesus Christ to save me.
 
30. Wherefore I fell to some outward reformation, both in my words and life, and did set
the commandments before me for my way to heaven; which commandments I also did
strive to keep, and, as I thought, did keep them pretty well sometimes, and then I should
have comfort; yet now and then should break one, and so afflict my conscience; but then
I should repent, and say I was sorry for it, and promise God to do better next time, and
there get help again, ‘for then I thought I pleased God as well as any man in England.’
 
31. Thus I continued about a year; all which time our neighbours did take me to be a very
godly man, a new and religious man, and did marvel much to see such a great and famous
alteration in my life and manners; and, indeed, so it was, though yet I knew not Christ,
nor grace, nor faith, nor hope; and, truly, as I have well seen since, had then died, my
state had been most fearful; well, this, I say, continued about a twelvemonth or more.
 
32. ‘But, I say, my neighbours were amazed at this my great conversion, from prodigious
profaneness, to something like a moral life; and, truly, so they well might; for this my
conversion was as great, as for Tom of Bedlam to become a sober man.[17] Now,
therefore, they began to praise, to commend, and to speak well of me, both to my face,
and behind my back. Now, I was, as they said, become godly; now, I was become a right
honest man. But, oh! When I understood that these were their words and opinions of men,
it pleased me mighty well. For though, as yet, I was nothing but a poor painted hypocrite,
indeed, I did all I did, either to be seen of, or to be well spoken of, by man. And thus I
continued for about a twelvemonth or more.’
 
33. ‘Now, you must know, that before this I had taken much delight in ringing, but my
conscience beginning to be tender, I thought such practice was but vain, and therefore
forced myself to leave it, yet my mind hankered; wherefore I should go to the steeple
house, and look on it, though I durst not ring. But I thought this did not become religion
neither, yet I forced myself, and would look on still; but quickly after, I began to think,
How, if one of the bells should fall? Then I chose to stand under a main beam, that lay
overthwart the steeple, from side to side, thinking there I might stand sure, but then I
should think again, should the bell fall with a swing, it might first hit the wall, and then
rebounding upon me, might kill me for all this beam. This made me stand in the steeple
door; and now, thought I, I am safe enough; for, if a bell should then fall, I can slip out
behind these thick walls, and so be preserved notwithstanding.’
 
34. ‘So, after this, I would yet go to see them ring, but would not go further than the
steeple door; but then it came into my head, How, if the steeple itself should fall? And
this thought, it may fall for ought I know, when I stood and looked on, did continually so
shake my mind, that I durst not stand at the steeple door any longer, but was forced to
flee, for fear the steeple should fall upon my head.’
 
35. ‘Another thing was my dancing; I was a full year before I could quite leave that; but
all this while, when I thought I kept this or that commandment, or did, by word or deed,
anything that I thought was good, I had great peace in my conscience; and should think
with myself, God cannot choose but be now pleased with me; yea, to relate it in mine
own way, I thought no man in England could please God better than I.’
 
36. ‘But poor wretch as I was, I was all this while ignorant of Jesus Christ, and going
about to establish my own righteousness; and had perished therein, had not God, in
mercy, showed me more of my state of nature."
 
[HIS CONVERSION AND PAINFUL EXERCISES OF MIND, PREVIOUS TO HIS
JOINING THE CHURCH AT BEDFORD.]
 
37. But upon a day, the good providence of God did cast me to Bedford, to work on my
calling; and in one of the streets of that town, I came where there were three or four poor
women sitting at a door in the sun, and talking about the things of God; and being now
willing to hear them discourse, I drew near to hear what they said, for I was now a brisk
talker also myself in the matters of religion, but now I may say, I heard, but I understood
not; for they were far above, out of my reach; for their talk was about a new birth, the
work of God on their hearts, also how they were convinced of their miserable state by
nature; they talked how God had visited their souls with his love in the Lord Jesus, and
with what words and promises they had been refreshed, comforted, and supported against
the temptations of the devil. Moreover, they reasoned of the suggestions and temptations
of Satan in particular; and told to each other by which they had been afflicted, and how
they were borne up under his assaults. They also discoursed of their own wretchedness of
heart, of their unbelief; and did contemn, slight, and abhor their own righteousness, as
filthy and insufficient to do them any good.
 
38. And methought they spake as if joy did make them speak; they spake with such
pleasantness of Scripture language, and with such appearance of grace in all they said,
that they were to me, as if they had found a new world,[18] as if they were people that
dwelt alone, and were not to be reckoned among their neighbours (Num 23:9).
 
39. At this I felt my own heart began to shake, as mistrusting my condition to be nought;
for I saw that in all my thoughts about religion and salvation, the new birth did never
enter into my mind, neither knew I the comfort of the Word and promise, nor the
deceitfulness and treachery of my own wicked heart. As for secret thoughts, I took no
notice of them; neither did I understand what Satan’s temptations were, nor how they
were to be withstood and resisted, &c.
 
40. Thus, therefore, when I had heard and considered what they said, I left them, and
went about my employment again, but their talk and discourse went with me; also my
heart would tarry with them, for I was greatly affected with their words, both because by
them I was convinced that I wanted the true tokens of a truly godly man, and also because
by them I was convinced of the happy and blessed condition of him that was such a
one.[19]
 
41. Therefore I should often make it my business to be going again and again into the
company of these poor people, for I could not stay away; and the more I went amongst
them, the more  did question my condition; and as I still do remember, presently I found
two things within me, at which I did sometimes marvel, especially considering what a
blind, ignorant, sordid, and ungodly wretch but just before I was; the one was a very great
softness and tenderness of heart, which caused me to fall under the conviction of what by
Scripture they asserted; and the other was a great bending in my mind to a continual
meditating on it, and on all other good things which at any time I heard or read of.
 
42. ‘By these things’ my mind was now so turned, that it lay like a horse leech at the vein,
still crying out, Give, give (Prov 30:15); yea, it was so fixed on eternity, and on the things
about the kingdom of heaven, that is, so far as I knew, though as yet, God knows, I knew
but little; that neither pleasures, nor profits, nor persuasions, nor threats, could loosen it,
or make it let go his hold; and though I may speak it with shame, yet it is in very deed a
certain truth, it would then have been as difficult for me to have taken my mind from
heaven to earth, as I have found it often since to get it again from earth to heaven.’
 
43. ‘One thing I may not omit: There was a young man in our town, to whom my heart
before was knit more than to any other, but he being a most wicked creature for cursing,
and swearing, and whoring, I now shook him off, and forsook his company; but about a
quarter of a year after I had left him, I met him in a certain lane, and asked him how he
did; he, after his old swearing and mad way, answered, He was well. But, Harry, said I,
why do you swear and curse thus? What will become of you, if you die in this condition?
He answered me in a great chafe, What would the devil do for company, if it were not for
such as I am?’
 
44. ‘About this time I met with some Ranters’ books, that were put forth by some of our
countrymen, which books were also highly in esteem by several old professors; some of
these I read, but was not able to make a judgment about them; wherefore as I read in
them, and thought upon them, feeling myself unable to judge, I should betake myself to
hearty prayer in this manner: O Lord, I am a fool, and not able to know the truth from
error: Lord, leave me not to my own blindness, either to approve of, or condemn this
doctrine; if it be of God, let me not despise it; if it be of the devil, let me not embrace it.
Lord, I lay my soul, in this matter, only at thy foot; let me not be deceived, I humbly
beseech thee. I had one religious intimate companion all this while, and that was the poor
man that I spoke of before; but about this time he also turned a most devilish Ranter,[20]
and gave himself up to all manner of filthiness, especially uncleanness: he would also
deny that there was a God, angel, or spirit; and would laugh at all exhortations to
sobriety. When I laboured to rebuke his wickedness, he would laugh the more, and
pretend that he had gone through all religions, and could never light on the right till now.
He told me also, that in a little time I should see all professors turn to the ways of the
Ranters. Wherefore, abominating those cursed principles, I left his company forthwith,
and became to him as great a stranger, as I had been before a familiar.’
 
45. ‘Neither was this man only a temptation to me; but my calling lying in the country, I
happened to light into several people’s company, who, though strict in religion formerly,
yet were also swept away by these Ranters. These would also talk with me of their ways,
and condemn me as legal and dark; pretending that they only had attained to perfection
that could do what they would, and not sin. Oh! These temptations were suitable to my
flesh, I being but a young man, and my nature in its prime; but God, who had, as I hope,
designed me for better things, kept me in the fear of his name, and did not suffer me to
accept of such cursed principles. And blessed be God, who put it into my heart to cry to
him to be kept and directed, still distrusting mine own wisdom; for I have since seen even
the effect of that prayer, in his preserving me not only from ranting errors, but from those
also that have sprung up since. The Bible was precious to me in those days.’
 
46. And now, methought, I began to look into the Bible with new eyes, and read as I
never did before; and especially the epistles of the apostle Paul were sweet and pleasant
to me; and, indeed, I was then never out of the Bible, either by reading or meditation; still
crying out to God, that I might know the truth, and way to heaven and glory.
 
47. And as I went on and read, I lighted on that passage, ‘To one is given by the Spirit the
word of wisdom; to another the word of knowledge by the same Spirit; and to another
faith,’ &c. (1 Cor 12:8,9). And though, as I have since seen, that by this Scripture the
Holy Ghost intends, in special, things extraordinary, yet on me it did then fasten with
conviction, that I did want things ordinary, even that understanding and wisdom that
other Christians had. On this word I mused, and could not tell what to do, ‘especially this
word faith put me to it, for I could not help it, but sometimes must question, whether I
had any faith or no’; for I feared that it shut me out of all the blessings that other good
people had give them of God;[21] but I was loath to conclude I had no faith in my soul;
for if I do so, thought I, then I shall count myself a very cast-away indeed.
 
48. No, said I with myself, though I am convinced that I am an ignorant sot, and that I
want those blessed gifts of knowledge and understanding that other good people have;
yet, at a venture, I will conclude I am not altogether faithless, though I know not what
faith is. For it was showed me, and that too, as I have since seen, by Satan, that those who
conclude themselves in a faithless state, have neither rest nor quiet in their souls; and I
was loath to fall quite into despair.
 
49. Wherefore, by this suggestion, I was for a while made afraid to see my want of faith;
but God would not suffer me thus to undo and destroy my soul, but did continually,
against this my blind and sad conclusion, create still within me such suppositions,
‘insomuch’ that I might in this deceive myself, that I could not rest content, until I did
now come to some certain knowledge, whether I had faith or no; this always running in
my mind, But how if you want faith indeed? But how can you tell you have faith? ‘and,
besides, I saw for certain, if I had not, I was sure to perish for ever.’
 
50. So that though I endeavoured at the first, to look over the business of faith, yet in a
little time, I better considering the matter, was willing to put myself upon the trial,
whether I had faith or no. But, alas, poor wretch, so ignorant and brutish was I, that I
knew to this day no more how to do it, than I know how to begin and accomplish that rare
and curious piece of art, which I never yet saw not considered.
 
51. Wherefore, while I was thus considering, and being put to my plunge about it, for you
must know, that as yet I had in this matter broken my mind to no man, only did hear and
consider, the tempter came in with his delusion, That there was no way for me to know I
had faith, but by trying to work some miracle; urging those Scriptures that seem to look
that way, for the enforcing and strengthening his temptation. Nay, one day as I was
betwixt Elstow and Bedford, the temptation was hot upon me, to try if I had faith, by
doing of some miracle: which miracle at that time was this, I must say to the puddles that
were in the horse pads, Be dry; and to the dry places, Be you the puddles. And truly, one
time I was agoing to say so indeed; but just as I was about to speak, this thought came
into my mind, But go under yonder hedge and pray first, that God would make you able.
But when I had concluded to pray, this came hot upon me, That if I prayed, and came
again and tried to do it, and yet did nothing notwithstanding, then be sure I had no faith,
but was a cast-away and lost. Nay, thought I, if it be so, I will never try yet, but will stay
a little longer.
 
52. So I continued at a great loss; for I thought, if they only had faith, which could do so
wonderful things, then I concluded, that, for the present, I neither had it, nor yet, for time
to come, were ever like to have it. Thus I was tossed betwixt the devil and my own
ignorance, and so perplexed, especially at some times, that I could not tell what to do.
 
53. About this time, the state and happiness of these poor people at Bedford was thus, in a
dream or vision, represented to me. I saw, as if they were set on the sunny side of some
high mountain, there refreshing themselves with the pleasant beams of the sun, while I
was shivering and shrinking in the cold, afflicted with frost, snow, and dark clouds.
Methought, also, betwixt me and them, I saw a wall that did compass about this
mountain; now, through this wall my soul did greatly desire to pass; concluding, that if I
could, I would go even into the very midst of them, and there also comfort myself with
the heat of their sun.
 
54. About this wall I thought myself, to go again and again, still prying as I went, to see if
I could find some way or passage, by which I might enter therein; but none could I find
for some time. At the last, I saw, as it were, a narrow gap, like a little doorway in the
wall, through which I attempted to pass; but the passage being very strait and narrow, I
made many efforts to get in, but all in vain, even until I was well nigh quite beat out, by
striving to get in; at last, with great striving, methought I at first did get in my head, and
after that, by a sidling striving, my shoulders, and my whole body; then was I exceeding
glad, and went and sat down in the midst of them, and so was comforted with the light
and heat of their sun.
 
55. Now, this mountain and wall, &c., was thus made out to me—the mountain signified
the church of the living God; the sun that shone thereon, the comfortable shining of his
merciful face on them that were therein; the wall, I thought, was the Word, that did make
separation between the Christians and the world; and the gap which was in this wall, I
thought, was Jesus Christ, who is the way to God the Father (John 14:6; Matt 7:14). But
forasmuch as the passage was wonderful narrow, even so narrow, that I could not, but
with great difficulty, enter in thereat, it showed me that none could enter into life, but
those that were in downright earnest,[22] and unless also they left this wicked world
behind them; for here was only room for body and soul, but not for body and soul, and
sin.[23]
 
56. This resemblance abode upon my spirit many days; all which time, I saw myself in a
forlorn and sad condition, but yet was provoked to a vehement hunger and desire to be
one of that number that did sit in the sunshine. Now also I should pray wherever I was,
whether at home or abroad, in house or field, and should also often, with lifting up of
heart, sing that of the 51st Psalm, O Lord, consider my distress; for as yet I knew not
where I was.
 
57. Neither as yet could I attain to any comfortable persuasion that I had faith in Christ;
but instead of having satisfaction, here I began to find my soul to be assaulted with fresh
doubts about my future happiness; especially with such as these, Whether I was elected?
But how, if the day of grace should now be past and gone?
 
58. By these two temptations I was very much afflicted and disquieted; sometimes by
one, and sometimes by the other of them. And first, to speak of that about my questioning
my election, I found at this time, that though I was in a flame to find the way to heaven
and glory, and though nothing could beat me off from this, yet this question did so offend
and discourage me, that I was, especially at some times, as if the very strength of my
body also had been taken away by the force and power thereof. This scripture did also
seem to me to trample upon all my desires, "It is not of him that willeth, nor of him that
runneth, but of God that showeth mercy" (Rom 9:16).
 
59. With this scripture I could not tell what to do; for I evidently saw, that unless the
great God, of his infinite grace and bounty, had voluntarily chosen me to be a vessel of
mercy, though I should desire, and long and labour until my heart did break, no good
could come of it. Therefore, this would still stick with me, How can you tell that you are
elected? And what if you should not? How then?
 
60. O Lord, thought I, what if I should not, indeed? It may be you are not, said the
tempter; it may be so, indeed, thought I. Why, then, said Satan, you had as good leave
off, and strive no further; for if, indeed, you should not be elected and chosen of God,
there is no talk of your being saved; "For it is neither of him that willeth, nor of him that
runneth, but of God that showeth mercy."
 
61. By these things I was driven to my wits’ end, not knowing what to say, or how to
answer these temptations. Indeed, I little thought that Satan had thus assaulted me, but
that rather it was my own prudence, thus to start the question; for, that the elect only
attained eternal life, that I, without scruple, did heartily close withal; but that myself was
one of them, there lay all the question.
 
62. Thus, therefore, for several days, I was greatly assaulted and perplexed, and was
often, when I have been walking, ready to sink where I went, with faintness in my mind;
but one day, after I had been so many weeks oppressed and cast down therewith, as I was
now quite giving up the ghost of all my hopes of ever attaining life, that sentence fell
with weight upon my spirit, "Look at the generations of old and see; did ever any trust in
the Lord, and was confounded?"
 
63. At which I was greatly lightened and encouraged in my soul; for thus, at that very
instant, it was expounded to me, Begin at the beginning of Genesis, and read to the end of
the Revelation, and see if you can find that there was ever any that trusted in the Lord,
and was confounded. So, coming home, I presently went to my Bible to see if I could find
that saying, not doubting but to find it presently; for it was so fresh, and with such
strength and comfort on my spirit, that I was as if it talked with me.
 
64. Well, I looked, but I found it not ; only it abode upon me; then I did ask first this good
man, and then another, if they knew where it was, but they knew no such place. At this I
wondered, that such a sentence should so suddenly, and with such comfort and strength,
seize and abide upon my heart, and yet that none could find it, for I doubted not but it
was in holy Scripture.
 
65. Thus I continued above a year, and could not find the place; but at last, casting my
eye into the Apocrypha books, I found it in Ecclesiasticus 2:10. This, at the first, did
somewhat daunt me; but because, by this time, I had got more experience of the love and
kindness of God, it troubled me the less; especially when I considered, that though it was
not in those texts that we call holy and canonical, yet forasmuch as this sentence was the
sum and substance of many of the promises, it was my duty to take the comfort of it; and
I bless God for that word, for it was of God to me: that word doth still, at times, shine
before my face.
 
66. After this, that other doubt did come with strength upon me, But how if the day of
grace should be past and gone? How if you have over-stood the time of mercy? Now, I
remember that one day, as I was walking into the country, I was much in the thoughts of
this, But how if the day of grace be past? And to aggravate my trouble, the tempter
presented to my mind those good people of Bedford, and suggested thus unto me, That
these being converted already, they were all that God would save in those parts; and that I
came too late, for these had got the blessing before I came.
 
67. Now was I in great distress, thinking in very deed that this might well be so;
wherefore I went up and down bemoaning my sad condition, counting myself far worse
than a thousand fools, for standing off thus long, and spending so many years in sin as I
had done; still crying out, Oh, that I had turned sooner; Oh, that I had turned seven years
ago! It made me also angry with myself, to think that I should have no more wit, but to
trifle away my time till my soul and heaven were lost.
 
68. But when I had been long vexed with this fear, and was scarce able to take one step
more, just about the same place where I received my other encouragement, these words
broke in upon my mind, "Compel them to come in, that my house may be filled"; "and
yet there is room" (Luke 14:22,23). These words, but especially them, "And yet there is
room" were sweet words to me; for, truly, I thought that by them I saw there was place
enough in heaven for me; and, moreover, that when the Lord Jesus did speak these words,
he then did think of me; and that he knowing that the time would come that I should be
afflicted with fear that there was no place left for me in his bosom, did before speak this
word, and leave it upon record, that I might find help thereby against this vile
temptations. ‘This, I then verily believed.’
 
69. In the light and encouragement of this word, I went a pretty while; and the comfort
was the more, when I thought that the Lord Jesus should think on me so long ago, and
that he should speak them words on purpose for my sake; for I did then think, verily, that
he did on purpose speak them, to encourage me withal.
 
70. ‘But I was not without my temptations to go back again; temptations, I say, both from
Satan, mine own heart, and carnal acquaintance; but I thank God these were outweighed
by that sound sense of death and of the day of judgment, which abode, as it were,
continually in my view; I should often also think on Nebuchadnezzar, of whom it is said,
He had given him all the kingdoms of the earth (Dan 5:19). Yet, thought I, if this great
man had all his portion in this world, one hour in hell fire would make him forget all.
Which consideration was a great help to me.’
 
71. ‘I was almost made, about this time, to see something concerning the beasts that
Moses counted clean and unclean. I thought those beasts were types of men; the clean,
types of them that were the people of God; but the unclean, types of such as were the 
thought I, they show us we must feed upon the Word of God. They also parted the hoof; I
thought that signified we must part, if we would be saved, with the ways of ungodly men.
And also, in further reading about them I found, that though we did chew the cud as the
hare, yet if we walked with claws like a dog, or if we did part the hoof like the swine, yet
if we did not chew the cud as the sheep, we were still, for all that, but unclean; for I
thought the here to be a type of those that talk of the Word, yet walk in the ways of sin;
and that the swine was like him that parteth with his outward pollutions, but still wanteth
the Word of faith, without which there could be no way of salvation, let a man be never
so devout (Deut 14).’ After this I found, by reading the Word, that those that must be
glorified with Christ in another world must be called by him here; called to the partaking
of a share in his Word and righteousness, and to the comforts and first fruits of his spirit,
and to a peculiar interest in all those heavenly things which do indeed fore fit the soul for
that rest and house of glory which is in heaven above.
 
72. Here, again, I was at a very great stand, not knowing what to do, fearing I was not
called; for, thought I, if I be not called, what then can do me good? ‘None but those who
are effectually called, inherit the kingdom of heaven.’ But oh! how I now loved those
words that spake of a Christian’s calling! as when the Lord said to one, "Follow me," and
to another, "Come after me." And oh! thought I, that he would say so to me too, how
gladly would I run after him!
 
73. I cannot now express with what longings and breakings in my soul I cried to Christ to
call me. Thus I continued for a time, all on a flame to be converted to Jesus Christ; and
did also see at that day, such glory in a converted state, that I could not be contented
without a share therein. Gold! could it have been gotten for gold, what could I have given
for it! had I had a whole world it had all gone ten thousand times over for this, that my
soul might have been in a converted state.
 
74. How lovely now was every one in my eyes that I thought to be converted men and
women! they shone, they walked like a people that carried the broad seal of heaven about
them. Oh! I saw the lot was fallen to them in pleasant places, and they had a goodly
heritage (Psa 16:6). But that which made me sick was that of Christ, in Mark, He went up
into a mountain and called to him whom he would, and they came unto him (Mark 3:13).
 
75. This scripture made me faint and fear, yet it kindled fire in my soul. That which made
me fear was this, lest Christ should have no liking to me, for he called "whom he would."
But oh! the glory that I saw in that condition did still so engage my heart that I could
seldom read of any that Christ did call but I presently wished, Would I had been in their
clothes; would I had been born Peter; would I had been born John; or would I had been
by and had heard him when he called them, how would I have cried, O Lord, call me
also. But oh! I feared he would not call me.
 
76. And truly the Lord let me go thus many months together and showed me nothing;
either that I was already, or should be called hereafter. But at last, after much time spent,
and many groans to God, that I might be made partaker of the holy and heavenly calling,
that Word came in upon me—"I will cleanse their blood that I have not cleansed, for the
Lord dwelleth in Zion" (Joel 3:21). These words I thought were sent to encourage me to
wait still upon God, and signified unto me, that if I were not already, yet time might come
I might be in truth converted unto Christ.[24]
 
77. About this time I began to break my mind to those poor people in Bedford, and to tell
them my condition, which, when they had heard, they told Mr. Gifford of me, who
himself also took occasion to talk with me, and was willing to be ‘well’ persuaded of me,
though I think but from little grounds: but he invited me to his house, where I should hear
him confer with others, about the dealings of God with the soul; from all which I still
received more conviction, and from that time began to see something of the vanity and
inward wretchedness of my wicked heart, for as yet I knew no great matter therein; but
now it began to be discovered unto me, and also to work at that rate for wickedness as it
never did before. Now I evidently found that lusts and corruptions would strongly put
forth themselves within me, in wicked thoughts and desires, which I did not regard
before; my desires also for heaven and life began to fail. I found also, that whereas before
my soul was full of longing after God, now my heart began to hanker after every foolish
vanity; yea, my heart would not be moved to mind that that was good; it began to be
careless, both of my soul and heaven; it would now continually hang back, both to, and in
every duty; and was as a clog on the leg of a bird to hinder her from flying.
 
78. Nay, thought I, now I grow worse and worse; now am I further from conversion than
ever I was before. Wherefore I began to sink greatly in my soul, and began to entertain
such discouragement in my heart as laid me low as hell. If now I should have burned at a
stake, I could not believe that Christ had love for me; alas, I could neither hear him, nor
see him, nor feel him, nor savour any of his things; I was driven as with a tempest, my
heart would be unclean, the Canaanites would dwell in the land.
 
79. Sometimes I would tell my condition to the people of God, which, when they heard,
they would pity me, and would tell me of the promises; but they had as good have told
me that I must reach the sun with my finger as have bidden me receive or rely upon the
promise; and as soon as I should have done it, all my sense and feeling was against me;
and I saw I had a heart that would sin, and ‘that’ lay under a law that would condemn.
 
80. These things have often made me think of that child which the father brought to
Christ, who, while he was yet a coming to him, was thrown down by the devil, and also
so rent and torn by him that he lay and wallowed, foaming (Luke 9:42; Mark 9:20).
 
81. Further, in these days I should find my heart to shut itself up against the Lord, and
against his holy Word. I have found my unbelief to set, as it were, the shoulder to the
door to keep him out, and that too even then, when I have with many a bitter sigh cried,
Good Lord, break it open; Lord, break these gates of brass, and cut these bars of iron
asunder (Psa 107:16). Yet that word would sometimes create in my heart a peaceable
pause, "I girded thee, though thou hast not known me" (Isa 45:5).
 
82. But all this while as to the act of sinning, I never was more tender than now; I durst
not take a pin or a stick, though but so big as a straw, for my conscience now was sore,
and would smart at every touch; I could not now tell how to speak my words, for fear I
should misplace them. Oh, how gingerly[25] did I then go in all I did or said! I found
myself as on a miry bog that shook if I did but stir; and ‘was’ there left both of God and
Christ, and the Spirit, and all good things.
 
83. ‘But, I observe, though I was such a great sinner before conversion, yet God never
much charged the guilt of the sins of my ignorance upon me; only he showed me I was
lost if I had not Christ, because I had been a sinner; I saw that I wanted a perfect
righteousness to present me without fault before God, and this righteousness was
nowhere to be found, but in the person of Jesus Christ.’
 
84. ‘But my original and inward pollution, that, that was my plague and my affliction;
that, I say, at a dreadful rate, always putting forth itself within me; that I had the guilt of,
to amazement; by reason of that, I was more loathsome in my own eyes than was a toad;
and I thought I was so in God’s eyes too; sin and corruption, I said, would as naturally
bubble out of my heart, as water would bubble out of a fountain. I thought now that every
one had a better heart than I had; I could have changed heart with any body; I thought
none but the devil himself could equalize me for inward wickedness and pollution of
mind. I fell, therefore, at the sight of my own vileness, deeply into despair; for I
concluded that this condition that I was in could not stand with a state of grace. Sure,
thought I, I am forsaken of God; sure I am given up to the devil, and to a reprobate mind;
and thus I continued a long while, even for some years together.’
 
85. ‘While I was thus afflicted with the fears of my own damnation, there were two things
would make me wonder; the one was, when I saw old people hunting after the things of
this life, as if they should live here always; the other was, when I found professors much
distressed and cast down, when they met with outward losses; as of husband, wife, child,
&c. Lord, thought I, what ado is here about such little things as these! What seeking after
carnal things by some, and what grief in others for the loss of them! if they so much
labour after, and spend so many tears for the things of this present life, how am I to be
bemoaned, pitied, and prayed for! My soul is dying, my soul is damning. Were my soul
but in a good condition, and were I but sure of it, ah! how rich should I esteem myself,
though blessed but with bread and water; I should count those but small afflictions, and
should bear them as little burdens. "A wounded spirit who can bear?"’
 
86. And though I was thus troubled, and tossed, and afflicted, with the sight and sense
and terror of my own wickedness, yet I was afraid to let this sight and sense go quite off
my mind; for I found, that unless guilt of conscience was taken off the right way, that is,
by the blood of Christ, a man grew rather worse for the loss of his trouble of mind, than
better. Wherefore, if my guilt lay hard upon me, then I should cry that the blood of Christ
might take it off; and if it was going off without it (for the sense of sin would be
sometimes as if it would die, and go quite away), then I would also strive to fetch it upon
my heart again, by bringing the punishment for sin in hell fire upon my spirits; and
should cry, Lord, let it not go off my heart, but the right way, but by the blood of Christ,
and by the application of thy mercy, through him, to my soul; for that Scripture lay much
upon me, "without shedding of blood is no remission" (Heb 9:22). And that which made
me the more afraid of this was, because I had seen some, who, though when they were
under wounds of conscience, then they would cry and pray; but they seeking rather
present ease from their trouble, than pardon for their sin, cared not how they lost their
guilt, so they got it out of their mind; and, therefore, having got it off the wrong way, it
was not sanctified unto them; but they grew harder and blinder, and more wicked after
their trouble. This made me afraid, and made me cry to God ‘the more,’ that it might not
be so with me.
 
87. And now was I sorry that God had made me a man, for I feared I was a reprobate; I
counted man as unconverted, the most doleful of all the creatures. Thus being afflicted
and tossed about my sad condition, I counted myself alone, and above the most of men
unblessed.
 
88. ‘Yea, I thought it impossible that ever I should attain to so much goodness of heart, as
to thank God that he had made me a man. Man indeed is the most noble by creation, of
all creatures in the visible world; but by sin he had made himself the most ignoble. The
beasts, birds, fishes, &c., I blessed their condition, for they had not a sinful nature, they
were not obnoxious to the wrath of God; they were not to go to hell fire after death; I
could therefore have rejoiced, had my condition been as any of theirs.’
 
89. In this condition I went a great while; but when comforting time was come, I heard
one preach a sermon upon those words in the Song (4:1), "Behold thou art fair, my love;
behold, thou art fair." But at that time he made these two words, "My love," his chief and
subject matter; from which, after he had a little opened the text, he observed these several
conclusions: 1. That the church, and so every saved soul, is Christ’s love, when loveless.
2. Christ’s love without a cause. 3. Christ’s love when hated of the world. 4. Christ’s love
when under temptation, and under desertion. 5. Christ’s love from first to last.
 
90. But I got nothing by what he said at present, only when he came to the application of
the fourth particular, this was the word he said; If it be so, that the saved soul is Christ’s
love when under temptation and desertion; then poor tempted soul, when thou art
assaulted and afflicted with temptation, and the hidings of God’s face, yet think on these
two words, "My love," still.
 
91. So as I was a going home, these words came again into my thoughts; and I well
remember, as they came in, I said thus in my heart, What shall I get by thinking on these
two words? This thought had no sooner passed through my heart, but the words began
thus to kindle in my spirit, "Thou art my love, thou art my love," twenty times together;
and still as they ran thus in my mind, they waxed stronger and warmer, and began to
make me look up; but being as yet between hope and fear, I still replied in my heart, But
is it true, but is it true? At which, that sentence fell in upon me, He "wist not that it was
true which was done by the angel" (Acts 12:9).
 
92. Then I began to give place to the word, which, with power, did over and over make
this joyful sound within my soul, thou art my love, thou art my love; and nothing shall
separate thee from my love; and with that (Rom 8:39) came into my mind: Now was my
heart filled full of comfort and hope, and now I could believe that my sins should be
forgiven me; ‘yea, I was now so taken with the love and mercy of God, that I remember I
could not tell how to contain till I got home; I thought I could have spoken of his love,
and of his mercy to me, even to the very crows that sat upon the ploughed lands before
me, had they been capable to have understood me’; wherefore I said in my soul, with
much gladness, well, I would I had a pen and ink here, I would write this down before I
go any further, for surely I will not forget this forty years hence; but, alas! within less
than forty days, I began to question all again; ‘which made me begin to question all still.’
 
93. Yet still at times, I was helped to believe that it was a true manifestation of grace unto
my soul, though I had lost much of the life and savour of it. Now about a week or
fortnight after this, I was much followed by this scripture, "Simon, Simon, behold, Satan
hath desired to have you" (Luke 22:31). And sometimes it would sound so loud within
me, yea, and as it were call so strongly after me, that once above all the rest, I turned my
head over my shoulder, thinking verily that some man had, behind me, called to me;
being at a great distance, ‘methought he called so loud; it came, as I have thought since,
to have stirred me up to prayer, and to watchfulness; it came to acquaint me that a cloud
and a storm was coming down upon me, but I understood it not.’[26]
 
94. ‘Also, as I remember, that time that it called to me so loud, was the last time that it
sounded in mine ear; but methinks I hear still with what a loud voice these words, Simon,
Simon, sounded in mine ears. I thought verily, as I have told you, that somebody had
called after me, that was half a mile behind me; and although that was not my name, yet it
made me suddenly look behind me, believing that he that called so loud meant me.’
 
95. But so foolish was I, and ignorant, that I knew not the reason of this sound; which, as
I did both see and feel soon after, was sent from heaven as an alarm, to awaken me to
provide for what was coming; only it would make me muse and wonder in my mind, to
think what should be the reason that this scripture, and that at this rate, so often and so
loud, should still be sounding and rattling in mine ears; but, as I said before, I soon after
perceived the end of God therein.
 
96. For about the space of a month after, a very great storm came down upon me, which
handled me twenty times worse than all I had met with before; it came stealing upon me,
now by one piece, then by another; first, all my comfort was taken from me, then
darkness seized upon me, after which, whole floods of blasphemies, both against God,
Christ, and the Scriptures, were poured upon my spirit, to my great confusion and
astonishment. These blasphemous thoughts were such as also stirred up questions in me,
against the very being of God, and of his only beloved Son; as, whether there were, in
truth, a God, or Christ, or no? and whether the holy Scriptures were not rather a fable,
and cunning story, than the holy and pure Word of God?
 
97. The tempter would also much assault me with this, how can you tell but that the
Turks had as good Scriptures to prove their Mahomet the Saviour, as we have to prove
our Jesus is? And, could I think, that so many ten thousands, in so many countries and
kingdoms, should be without the knowledge of the right way to heaven; if there were
indeed a heaven, and that we only, who live in a corner of the earth, should alone be
blessed therewith? Every one doth think his own religion rightest, both Jews and Moors,
and Pagans! and how if all our faith, and Christ, and Scriptures, should be but a think-so
too?
 
98. Sometimes I have endeavoured to argue against these suggestions, and to set some of
the sentences of blessed Paul against them; but, alas! I quickly felt, when I thus did, such
arguings as these would return again upon me, Though we made so great a matter of
Paul, and of his words, yet how could I tell, but that in very deed, he being a subtle and
cunning man, might give himself up to deceive with strong delusions; and also take both
that pains and travel, to undo and destroy his fellows.
 
99. These suggestions, with many other which at this time I may not, nor dare not utter,
neither by word nor pen, did make such a seizure upon my spirit, and did so overweigh
my heart, both with their number, continuance, and fiery force, that I felt as if there were
nothing else but these from morning to night within me; and as though, indeed, there
could be room for nothing else; and also concluded, that God had, in very wrath to my
soul, given me up unto them, to be carried away with them, as with a mighty whirlwind.
 
100. Only by the distaste that they gave unto my spirit, I felt there was something in me,
that refused to embrace them. But this consideration I then only had, when God gave me
leave to swallow my spittle, otherwise the noise, and strength, and force of these
temptations, would drown and overflow; and as it were, bury all such thoughts or the
remembrance of any such thing. While I was in this temptation, I should often find my
mind suddenly put upon it, to curse and swear, or to speak some grievous thing against
God, or Christ his Son, and of the Scriptures.[27]
 
101. Now I thought, surely I am possessed of the devil; at other times again, I thought I
should be bereft of my wits; for instead of lauding and magnifying God the Lord with
others, if I have but heard him spoken of, presently some most horrible blasphemous
thought or other, would bolt out of my heart against him; so that whether I did think that
God was, or again did think there were no such thing; no love, nor peace, nor gracious
disposition could I feel within me.
 
102. These things did sink me into very deep despair; for I concluded, that such things
could not possibly be found amongst them that loved God. I often, when these
temptations have been with force upon me, did compare myself in the case of such a
child, whom some gipsy hath by force took up under her apron,[28] and is carrying from
friend and country; kick sometimes I did, and also scream and cry; but yet I was as bound
in the wings of the temptation, and the wind would carry me away. I thought also of Saul,
and of the evil spirit that did possess him; and did greatly fear that my condition was the
same with that of his (1 Sam 16:14).
 
103. In these days, when I have heard others talk of what was the sin against the Holy
Ghost, then would the tempter so provoke me to desire to sin that sin, that I was as if I
could not, must not, neither should be quiet until I had committed that; now, no sin would
serve but that; if it were to be committed by speaking of such a word, then I have been as
if my mouth would have spoken that word, whether I would or no; and in so strong a
measure was this temptation upon me, that often I have been ready to clap my hand under
my chin, to hold my mouth from opening; and to that end also I have had thoughts at
other times, to leap with my head downward, into some muck hill hole or other, to keep
my mouth from speaking.
 
104. Now I blessed the condition of the dog and toad, and counted the estate of
everything that God had made far better than this dreadful state of mine, and such as my
companions was; yea, gladly would I have been in the condition of dog or horse, for I
knew they had no soul to perish under the everlasting weights of hell for sin, as mine was
like to do. Nay, and though I saw this, felt this, and was broken to pieces with it, yet that
which added to my sorrow was, that I could not find that with all my soul I did desire
deliverance. That scripture did also tear and rend my soul, in the midst of these
distractions, "The wicked are like the troubled sea when it cannot rest, whose waters cast
up mire and dirt. There is no peace, saith my God, to the wicked" (Isa 57:20,21).
 
105. ‘And now my heart was, at times, exceeding hard; if I would have given a thousand
pounds for a tear, I could not shed one; no, nor sometimes scarce desire to shed one. I
was much dejected to think that this should be my lot. I saw some could mourn and
lament their sin; and others, again, could rejoice, and bless God for Christ; and others,
again, could quietly talk of, and with gladness remember, the Word of God; while I only
was in the storm or tempest. This much sunk me; I thought my condition was alone. I
should, therefore, much bewail my hard hap; but get out of, or get rid of, these things, I
could not.’
 
106. While this temptation lasted, which was about a year, I could attend upon none of
the ordinances of God but with sore and great affliction. Yea, then was I most distressed
with blasphemies; if I have been hearing the Word, then uncleanness, blasphemies, and
despair would hold me as captive there; if I have been reading, then, sometimes, I had
sudden thoughts to question all I read; sometimes, again, my mind would be so strangely
snatched away, and possessed with other things, that I have neither known, nor regarded,
nor remembered so much as the sentence that but now I have read.
 
107. In prayer, also, I have been greatly troubled at this time; sometimes I have thought I
should see the devil, nay, thought I have felt him, behind me, pull my clothes; he would
be, also, continually at me in the time of prayer to have done; break off, make haste, you
have prayed enough, and stay no longer, still drawing my mind away. Sometimes, also,
he would cast in such wicked thoughts as these: that I must pray to him, or for him. I
have thought sometimes of that—Fall down, or, "if thou wilt fall down and worship me"
(Matt 4:9).
 
108. Also, when, because I have had wandering thoughts in the time of this duty, I have
laboured to compose my mind and fix it upon God, then, with great force, hath the
tempter laboured to distract me, and confound me, and to turn away my mind, by
presenting to my heart and fancy the form of a bush, a bull, a besom, or the like, as if I
should pray to those; to these he would, also, at some times especially, so hold my mind
that I was as if I could think of nothing else, or pray to nothing else but to these, or such
as they.
 
109. Yet, at times I should have some strong and heart-affecting apprehensions of God,
and the reality of the truth of his gospel; but, oh! how would my heart, at such times, put
forth itself with inexpressible groanings. My whole soul was then in every word; I should
cry with pangs after God that he would be merciful unto me; but then I should be daunted
again with such conceits as these; I should think that God did mock at these, my prayers,
saying, and that in the audience of the holy angels, This poor simple wretch doth hanker
after me as if I had nothing to do with my mercy but to bestow it on such as he. Alas,
poor fool![29] how art thou deceived! It is not for such as thee to have a favour with the
Highest.
 
110. Then hath the tempter come upon me, also, with such discouragements as these—
You are very hot for mercy, but I will cool you; this frame shall not last always; many
have been as hot as you for a spirit, but I have quenched their zeal. And with this, such
and such who were fallen off would be set before mine eyes. Then I should be afraid that
I should do so too; but, thought I, I am glad this comes into my mind. Well, I will watch,
and take what heed I can. Though you do, said Satan, I shall be too hard for you; I will
cool you insensibly, by degrees, by little and little. What care I, saith he, though I be
seven years in chilling your heart if I can do it at last? Continual rocking will lull a crying
child asleep. I will ply it close, but I will have my end accomplished. Though you be
burning hot at present, yet, if I can pull you from this fire, I shall have you cold before it
be long.
 
111. These things brought me into great straits; for as I at present could not find myself
fit for present death, so I thought to live long would make me yet more unfit; for time
would make me forget all, and wear even the remembrance of the evil of sin, the worth of
heaven, and the need I had of the blood of Christ to wash me, both out of mind and
thought; but I thank Christ Jesus these things did not at present make me slack my crying,
but rather did put me more upon it, like her who met with the adulterer (Deut 22:27); in
which days that was a good word to me after I had suffered these things a while: "I am
persuaded that neither - height, nor depth, nor life," &c., "shall – separate us from the
love of God, which is in Christ Jesus" (Rom 8:38). And now I hoped long life should not
destroy me, nor make me miss of heaven.
 
112. Yet I had some supports in this temptation, though they were then all questioned by
me; that in the third of Jeremiah, at the first, was something to me, and so was the
consideration of the fifth verse of that chapter; that though we have spoken and done as
evil things as we could, yet we should cry unto God, "My Father, thou art the guide of
my youth"; and should return unto him.
 
113. I had, also, once a sweet glance from that in 2 Corinthians 5:21: "For he hath made
him to be sin for us, who knew no sin; that we might be made the righteousness of God in
him." I remember, also, that one day as I was sitting in a neighbour’s house, and there
very sad at the consideration of my many blasphemies, and as I was saying in my mind,
What ground have I to think that I, who have been so vile and abominable, should ever
inherit eternal life? that word came suddenly upon me, "What shall we then say to these
things? If God be for us, who can be against us?" (Rom 8:31). That, also, was an help
unto me, "Because I live, ye shall live also" (John 14:19). But these were but hints,
touches, and short visits, though very sweet when present; only they lasted not; but, like
to Peter’s sheet, of a sudden were caught up from me to heaven again (Acts 10:16).
 
114. But afterwards the Lord did more fully and graciously discover himself unto me;
and, indeed, did quite, not only deliver me from the guilt that, by these things, was laid
upon my conscience, but also from the very filth thereof; for the temptation was removed,
and I was put into my right mind again, as other Christians were.
 
115. I remember that one day, as I was traveling into the country and musing on the
wickedness and blasphemy of my heart, and considering of the enmity that was in me to
God, that scripture came in my mind, He hath "made peace through the blood of his
cross" (Col 1:20). By which I was made to see, both again, and again, and again, that day,
that God and my soul were friends by this blood; yea, I saw that the justice of God and
my sinful soul could embrace and kiss each other through this blood. This was a good
day to me; I hope I shall not forget it.
 
116. At another time, as I sat by the fire in my house, and musing on my wretchedness,
the Lord made that also a precious word unto me, "Forasmuch, then, as the children are
partakers of flesh and blood, he also himself likewise took part of the same; that through
death he might destroy him that had the power of death, that is, the devil, and deliver
them who, through fear of death, were all their lifetime subject to bondage" (Heb
2:14,15). I thought that the glory of these words was then so weighty on me that I was,
both once and twice, ready to swoon as I sat; yet not with grief and trouble, but with solid
joy and peace.
 
[BUNYAN ATTENDS THE MINISTRY OF MR. GIFFORD, AND BECOMES
INTENSELY EARNEST TO UNDERSTAND THE DOCTRINES OF THE GOSPEL.]
 
117. At this time, also, I sat under the ministry of holy Mr. Gifford, whose doctrine, by
God’s grace, was much for my stability.[30] This man made it much his business to
deliver the people of God from all those false and unsound rests that, by nature, we are
prone to take and make to our souls. He pressed us to take special heed that we took not
up any truth upon trust—as from this, or that, or any other man or men—but to cry
mightily to God that he would convince us of the reality thereof, and set us down therein,
by his own Spirit, in the holy Word; for, said he, if you do otherwise when temptations
come, if strongly, you, not having received them with evidence from heaven, will find
you want that help and strength now to resist as once you thought you had.
 
118. This was as seasonable to my soul as the former and latter rain in their season; for I
had found, and that by sad experience, the truth of these his words; for I had felt [what]
no man can say, especially when tempted by the devil, that Jesus Christ is Lord but by the
Holy Ghost. Wherefore I found my soul, through grace, very apt to drink in this doctrine,
and to incline to pray to God that, in nothing that pertained to God’s glory and my own
eternal happiness, he would suffer me to be without the confirmation thereof from
heaven; for now I saw clearly there was an exceeding different betwixt the notions of
flesh and blood, and the revelations of God in heaven; also, a great difference between
that faith that is feigned, and according to man’s wisdom, and of that which comes by a
man’s being born thereto of God (Matt 16:15-17; 1 John 5:1).
 
119. But, oh! now, how was my soul led from truth to truth by God! even from the birth
and cradle of the Son of God to his ascension and second coming from heaven to judge
the world.
 
120. Truly, I then found, upon this account, the great God was very good unto me; for, to
my remembrance, there was not anything that I then cried unto God to make known and
reveal unto me but he was pleased to do it for me; I mean not one part of the gospel of the
Lord Jesus, but I was orderly led into it. Methought I saw with great evidence, from the
relation of the four evangelists, the wonderful work of God, in giving Jesus Christ to save
us, from his conception and birth even to his second coming to judgment, Methought I
was as if I had seen him born, as if I had seen him grow up, as if I had seen him walk
through this world, from the cradle to his cross; to which, also, when he came, I saw how
gently he gave himself to be hanged and nailed on it for my sins and wicked doings.
Also, as I was musing on this, his progress, that dropped on my spirit, He was ordained
for the slaughter (1 Peter 1:19,20).
 
121. When I have considered also the truth of his resurrection, and have remembered that
word, "Touch me not, Mary," &c., I have seen as if he leaped at the grave’s mouth for joy
that he was risen again, and had got the conquest over our dreadful foes (John 20:17). I
have also, in the spirit, seen him a man on the right hand of God the Father for me, and
have seen the manner of his coming from heaven to judge the world with glory, and have
been confirmed in these things by these scriptures following, Acts 1:9, 10, 7:56, 10:42;
Hebrews 7:24, 8:3; Revelation 1:18; 1 Thessalonians 4:17, 18.
 
122. Once I was much troubled to know whether the Lord Jesus was both man as well as
God, and God as well as man; and truly, in those days, let men say what they would,
unless I had it with evidence from heaven, all was as nothing to me, I counted not myself
set down in any truth of God. Well, I was much troubled about this point, and could not
tell how to be resolved; at last, that in the fifth of the Revelation came into my mind,
"And I beheld, and lo, in the midst of the throne and of the four beasts, and in the midst
of the elders, stood a Lamb." In the midst of the throne, ‘thought I,’ there is his Godhead;
in the midst of the elders, there is his manhood; but oh! methought this did glister! it was
a goodly touch, and gave me sweet satisfaction. That other scripture also did help me
much in this, "To us a child is born, unto us a son is given; and the government shall be
upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God,
The everlasting Father, the Prince of Peace," &c. (Isa 9:6).
 
123. Also, besides these teachings of God in his Word, the Lord made use of two things =
to confirm me in these things; the one was the errors of the Quakers, and the other was
the guilt of sin; for as the Quakers did oppose his truth, so God did the more confirm me
in it, by leading me into the scriptures that did wonderfully maintain it.[31]
 
124. ‘The errors that this people then maintained were, 1. That the holy Scriptures were
not the Word of God. 2. That every man in the world had the spirit of Christ, grace, faith,
&c. 3. That Christ Jesus, as crucified, and dying 1600 years ago, did not satisfy divine
justice for the sins of the people. 4. That Christ’s flesh and blood was within the saints. 5.
That the bodies of the good and bad that are buried in the churchyard shall not arise
again. 6. That the resurrection is past with good men already. 7. That that man Jesus, that
was crucified between two thieves on Mount Calvary, in the land of Canaan, by
Jerusalem, was not ascended up above the starry heavens. 8. That he should not, even the
same Jesus that died by the hands of the Jews, come again at the last day, and as man
judge all nations, &c.’
 
125. ‘Many more vile and abominable things were in those days fomented by them, by
which I was driven to a more narrow search of the Scriptures, and was, through their light
and testimony, not only enlightened, but greatly confirmed and comforted in the truth’;
and, as I said, the guilt of sin did help me much, for still as that would come upon me, the
blood of Christ did take it off again, and again, and again, and that too, sweetly,
according to the Scriptures. O friends! cry to God to reveal Jesus Christ unto you; there is
none teacheth like him.
 
126. It would be too long for me here to stay, to tell you in particular how God did set me
down in all the things of Christ, and how he did, that he might so do, lead me into his
words; yea, and also how he did open them unto me, make them shine before me, and
cause them to dwell with me, talk with me, and comfort me over and over, both of his
own being, and the being of his Son, and Spirit, and Word, and gospel.
 
127. Only this, as I said before I will say unto you again, that in general he was pleased to
take this course with me; first, to suffer me to be afflicted with temptation concerning
them, and then reveal them to me: as sometimes I should lie under great guilt for sin,
even crushed to the ground therewith, and then the Lord would show me the death of
Christ; yea, and so sprinkle my conscience with his blood, that I should find, and that
before I was aware, that in that conscience where but just now did reign and rage the law,
even there would rest and abide the peace and love of God through Christ.
 
128. Now had I an evidence, ‘as I thought, of my salvation’ from heaven, with many
golden seals thereon, all hanging in my sight; now could I remember this manifestation
and the other discovery of grace, with comfort; and should often long and desire that the
last day were come, that I might for ever be inflamed with the sight, and joy, and
communion with him whose head was crowned with thorns, whose face was spit on, and
body broken, and soul made an offering for my sins: for whereas, before, I lay
continually trembling at the mouth of hell, now methought I was got so far therefrom that
I could not, when I looked back, scarce discern it; and, oh! thought I, that I were
fourscore years old now, that I might die quickly, that my soul might be gone to rest.[32]

 
129. ‘But before I had got thus far out of these my temptations, I did greatly long to see
some ancient godly man’s experience, who had writ some hundreds of years before I was
born; for those who had writ in our days, I thought, but I desire them now to pardon me,
that they had writ only that which others felt, or else had, through the strength of their
wits and parts, studied to answer such objections as they perceived others were perplexed
with, without going down themselves into the deep. Well, after many such longings in
my mind, the God in whose hands are all our days and ways, did cast into my hand, one
day, a book of Martin Luther; it was his comment on the Galatians—it also was so old
that it was ready to fall piece from piece if I did but turn it over. Now I was pleased much
that such an old book had fallen into my hands; the which, when I had but a little way
perused, I found my condition, in his experience, so largely and profoundly handled, as if
his book had been written out of my heart. This made me marvel; for thus thought I, This
man could not know anything of the state of Christians now, but must needs write and
speak the experience of former days.’
 
130. ‘Besides, he doth most gravely, also, in that book, debate of the rise of these
temptations, namely, blasphemy, desperation, and the like; showing that the law of Moses
as well as the devil, death, and hell hath a very great hand therein, the which, at first, was
very strange to me; but considering and watching, I found it so indeed. But of particulars
here I intend nothing; only this, methinks, I must let fall before all men, I do prefer this
book of Martin Luther upon the Galatians, excepting the Holy Bible, before all the books
that ever I have seen, as most fit for a wounded conscience.’
 
131. ‘And now I found, as I thought, that I loved Christ dearly; oh! methought my soul
cleaved unto him, my affections cleaved unto him. I felt love to him as hot as fire; and
now, as Job said, I thought I should die in my nest; but I did quickly find that my great
love was but little, and that I, who had, as I thought, such burning love to Jesus Christ,
could let him go again for a very trifle; God can tell how to abase us, and can hide pride
from man. Quickly after this my love was tried to purpose.’
 
132. For after the Lord had, in this manner, thus graciously delivered me from this great
and sore temptation, and had set me down so sweetly in the faith of his holy gospel, and
had given me such strong consolation and blessed evidence from heaven touching my
interest in his love through Christ; the tempter came upon me again, and that with a more
grievous and dreadful temptation than before.
 
133. And that was, To sell and part with this most blessed Christ, to exchange him for the
things of this life, for anything. The temptation lay upon me for the space of a year, and
did follow me so continually that I was not rid of it one day in a month, no, not
sometimes one hour in many days together, unless ‘when’ I was asleep.
 
134. And though, in my judgment, I was persuaded that those who were once effectually
in Christ, as I hoped, through his grace, I had seen myself, could never lose him for
ever—for "the land shall not be sold for ever, for the land is mine," saith God (Lev
25:23)[33]—yet it was a continual vexation to me to think that I should have so much as
one such thought within me against a Christ, a Jesus, that had done for me as he had
done; ‘and yet then I had almost none others, but such blasphemous ones.’
 
135. But it was neither my dislike of the thought, nor yet any desire and endeavour to
resist it that in the least did shake or abate the continuation, or force and strength thereof;
for it did always, in almost whatever I thought, intermix itself therewith in such sort that I
could neither eat my food, stoop for a pin, chop a stick, or cast mine eye to look on this or
that, but still the temptation would come, Sell Christ for this, or sell Christ for that; ’sell
him, sell him.’
 
136. Sometimes it would run in my thoughts, not so little as a hundred times together,
Sell him, sell him, sell him; against which I may say, for whole hours together, I have
been forced to stand as continually leaning and forcing my spirit against it, least haply,
before I were aware, some wicked thought might arise in my heart that might consent
thereto; and sometimes also the tempter would make me believe I had consented to it,
then should I be as tortured upon a rack for whole days together.
 
137. This temptation did put me to such scares, lest I should and some times, I say,
consent thereto, and be overcome therewith, that by the very force of my mind, in
labouring to gainsay and resist this wickedness, my very body also would be put into
action or motion by way of pushing or thrusting ‘with my hands or elbows,’ still
answering as fast as the destroyer said, Sell him; I will not, I will not, I will not, I will
not; no, not for thousands, thousands, thousands of worlds. Thus reckoning lest I should
in the midst of these assaults, set too low a value of him, even until I scarce well knew
where I was, or how to be composed began.
 
138. ‘At these seasons he would not let me eat my food at quiet; but, forsooth, when I was
set at table at my meat, I must go hence to pray; I must leave my food now, and just now,
so counterfeit holy also would this devil be. When I was thus tempted, I should say in
myself, Now I am at my meat, let me make an end. No, said he, you must do it now, or
you will displease God, and despised Christ. Wherefore I was much afflicted with these
things; and because of the sinfulness of my nature, imagining that these things were
impulses from God, I should deny to do it, as if I denied God; and then should I be as
guilty, because I did not obey a temptation of the devil, as if I had broken the law of God
indeed.’
 
139. But to be brief, one morning, as I did lie in my bed, I was, as at other times, most
fiercely assaulted with this temptation, to sell and part with Christ; the wicked suggestion
still running in my mind, sell him, sell him, sell him, sell him, ‘ sell him,’ as fast as a man
could speak; against which also, in my mind, as and other times, I answered, No, no, not
for thousands, thousands, thousands, at least twenty times together. But at last, after much
striving, even until I was almost out of breath, I felt this thought pass through my heart,
Let him go, if he will! and I thought also, that I felt my heart ‘ freely’ consent thereto. ‘Oh,
the diligence of Satan! [34] Oh, the desperateness of man’s heart!’
 
140. Now was the battle won, and down fell I, as a bird that is shot from the top of a tree,
into great guilt, and fearful despair. Thus getting out of my bed, I went moping into the
field; but God knows, with as heavy a heart as mortal man, I think, could bear; where, for
the space of two hours, I was like a man bereft of life, and as now past all recovery, and
bound over to eternal punishment.
 
141. And withal, that scripture did seize upon my soul, "Or profane person, as Esau, who
for one morsel of meat, sold his birthright; for ye know, how that afterward, when he
would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected; for he found no place of repentance,
so he sought it carefully with tears" (Heb 12:16,17).
 
142. ‘Now was I as one bound, I felt myself shut out unto the judgment to  come; nothing
now for two years together would abide with me, but damnation, and an expectation of
damnation; I say, nothing now would abide with me but this, save some few moments for
relief, as in the sequel you will see.’
 
143. These words were to my soul like fetters of brass to my legs, in the continual sound
of which I went for several months together. But about ten or eleven o’clock one day, as I
was walking under a hedge, full of sorrow in guilt, God knows, and bemoaning myself
for this hard hap, that such a thought should arise within me; suddenly this sentence
bolted in upon me, The blood of Christ remits all guilt. At this I made a stand in my
spirit; with that, this word took hold upon me, begin, "The blood of Jesus Christ, his Son,
cleanseth us from all sin" (1 John 1:7).
 
144. Now I began to conceive peace in my soul, in methought I saw as if the tempter did
leer[35] and steal away from me, as being ashamed of what he had done. At the same
time also I had my sin, and the blood of Christ thus represented to me, that my sin, when
compared to the blood of Christ, was no more to it, then this little clot or stone before me,
is to this vast and wide field that here I see. This gave me good encouragement for the
space of two or three hours; in which time also, methought I saw, by faith, the Son of
God, as suffering for my sins; but because it tarried not, I therefore sunk in my spirit,
under exceeding guilt again.
 
145. ‘But chiefly by the afore-mentioned scripture, concerning Esau’s selling of his
birthright; for that scripture would lie all day long, all the week long, yea, all the year
long in my mind, and hold me down, so that I could by no means lift up myself; for when
I would strive to turn me to this scripture, or that, for relief, still that sentence would be
sounding in me, "For ye know, how that afterward, when he would have inherited the
blessing - he found no place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears."’
 
146. Sometimes also, [36] I should have a touch from that in Luke 22:32, "I have prayed
for the, that thy faith fail not"; but it would not abide upon me; neither could I indeed,
when I considered my state, find ground to conceive in the least, that there should be the
root of that  grace within me, having sinned as I had done. Now was I tore and rent in
heavy case, for many days together.
 
147. Then began I with sad and careful heart, to consider of the nature and largeness of
my sin, and to search in the Word of God, if I could in any place espy a word of promise,
or any encouraging sentence by which I might take relief. Wherefore I began to consider
that third of Mark, All manner of sins and blasphemies shall be forgiven unto the sons of
men, wherewith soever they shall blaspheme. Which place, methought, at a blush, did
contain a large and glorious promise, for the pardon of high offences; but considering the
place more fully, I thought it was rather to be understood as relating more chiefly to those
who had, while in a natural estate, committed such things as there are mentioned; but not
to me, who had not only received light and mercy, but that had, both after, and also
contrary to that, so slighted Christ as I had done.
 
148. I feared therefore that this wicked sin of mine, might be that sin unpardonable, of
which he there thus speaketh. "But he they shall blasphem